i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
