I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Dignity is for republicans.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
