Can i not drive my cunt home
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
