...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Duck Duck Cougar?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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