Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
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