she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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