i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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