My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
