why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
