The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
