I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
