apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
