Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just want nice things and good sex
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
