Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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