Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
