Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
