I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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