Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
