how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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