Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
