if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
