I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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