I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
