...so i touched it.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize