Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
