I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
one two three fourrrrnication!
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I wish i was in the wii world.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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