got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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