Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
