mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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