do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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