I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Randomize
