One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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