I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
