So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
