dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
