Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
