Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
