Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
