Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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