Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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