Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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