lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
