he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
