ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
