Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
