I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
