I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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