Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
