A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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