my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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