hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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