Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
